Happy 2019

Happy CNY

two new year days have passed and I have finally made a decision to konmari my life. The second half of 2018 was trying to say the least. I have had to change many things I have been used to. I have had to find ways to assimilate back into what was way back when. And I had to go through some pretty rough patches which really made me question myself (and still am for many reasons). This whole Marie Kondo thing is not a new thing to me. I know of it since the sister started organising her wardrobe and folding her clothes in that KonMari way. And now it has taken the world by storm especially after her NetFlix series. At first it just looked like a fusion between a Hoarders episode and a Home Improvement episode (take your pick, they’re pretty much all the same). But then, if you read more about it, the KonMari method of asking yourself “does this spark joy?” actually holds a lot of value and makes sense.

Throughout life, you would have done a ridiculous among of things, some you were obliged to do, like school and homework and some you actually wanted to do. I started playing the piano when I was 6 because I wanted to. I remember being stressed from school (that obligated thing) and coming home to just play the piano to relieve the stress from school (if only young me could meet an even more stressed out 30 year old me ha). One of my favourite things to do was to search for the latest songs to just to play it (eventually making my sight reading kinda good too). Playing the piano really sparked joy for me. And eventhough it has been a long time since that first day I started playing the piano, it still makes me happy (gives me that warm fuzzy feeling).

Fast forward to my now reality, I have achieved a lot of things, one being the doctorate which really took a village and a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears. The years when I was in grad school also changed the dynamics of my personality which has soured quite a few friendships but made some grow even stronger (sweeter?). I learned to understand my own expectations and manage the expectations of others. I learned that you just cannot win them all and cannot please everyone. You just have to stop and think about what exactly do YOU want in life? Who or what exactly sparks joy? Someone’s idea of the ideal might not be what you find ideal. Someone else’s successes could be not what you are really looking for. And you feel like a failure when you can’t or don’t achieve that ideal or the same level of success. Trust me, I have been in that boat more often than I am willing to admit.

But perhaps following what is the “natural course” of what should happen could probably be not the most ideal way of going about things. The most successful people in this world KNOW what they want. They are rebels, troublemakers, unafraid to be different, and really, being just themselves. Because they know what really sparks joy for them is when they are being the most true to who they are as a person in all aspects of life – it could be a job, a place or a purpose. I used to tell my students that find something that you are passionate about, because passion will drive you forever.

So I guess it is about damn time to just think about what really sparks joy for me.



so these past few weeks have been challenging (in terms of getting this thesis done)
I mean, on paper it seems easy enough, write – edit – polish
rinse and repeat
that is all there is to it
but it’s just been so long and am just really fatigued and demotivated I suppose
I have to/need to change this mindset
failure only begins when you stop trying right? (cheezeh)

so am just gonna “do do do” (that’s what mum says)

and then she tells me to just pray for the best and that things are going to be okay

in the midst of all of this, I find myself feeling guilty for not being able to be there for the people around me as much as they need me and/or as much as I want to
and today one of my phd cohort-mates was saying that
“our minds are not free”
and it makes perfect sense
my mind is not free because I have this thesis hanging above my head the whole dang time

but as my other colleague puts it “gotta learn to love it”

so okay, day 1 of loving liking it

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