organic | mm18

so I started drinking coffee a couple of days ago
that's if you consider mocha as coffee
but a start is a start
I guess I was looking for a buzz
to keep me going for these final few hurdles (shrug)
not working though (shrug^2)


I downloaded (insert dating app) for the umpteenth time
because (1) I got bored and (2) let's see, maybe things are different now

(shuffles through profiles)
"you know you're not going to get anywhere with you swiping left all the time"
"but everything is so vanilla it's like I'm staring at a blank piece of white paper"

and of course you get those people which you wish you could do a 180 degree eyeroll if you could


deleted for the umpteenth time
because (1) I got bored and (2) no, things are not different these times

"I wish I could just meet people organically"
"that's also not going to happen if you don't go out"

but entah, I am quite jaded (based on previous experiences and my innate scepticism)

so yes, not gonna get anywhere (kiv)


way too obsessed with this jam 😍




one of my fondest memories is being back on the island
we always stayed at the same resort
with that big windmill upfront, adorned in red, yellow and white
colours so bright that are so characteristically belonging to that island
the island is riddled with bright coloured houses like this one
through the lobby, there is a small swimming pool with blue striped lazy chairs aligning the borders. More often than not, you can see iguanas just enjoying the heat or even taking a swim in the pool
you could smell the fresh island breeze and feel the bask of that golden tropical sun
if I could imagine what heaven was like, this would definitely be part of it
among the shrubs, there are these tiny pots filled with sugary water
and you can see these tiny birds taking a sneak drink out of these pots
buzzing through the bar area and the gardens
island life is defo for me.



the kurma
okay that was lame
soz bro

I’ve been watching ‘First Dates’ on youtube and it has been quite entertaining, kinda like watching ‘The Bachelor/Bachelorette’
(yo no judging)
purely for entertainment, obviously completely unrealistic
I don’t believe in having feelings for so many different people at the same time, that’s definitely not love
there are soo many dating apps out there, anywhere from the casual hook-ups all the way to the serious of the bunch, eHarmony
I always wonder – how many of the profiles are real/genuine
no shade but we humans always would like to put the best version of ourselves out there, which is of course completely fine
you should always put your best foot forward
akan tetapi, I feel like a lot of people photoshop their profiles to the point where it just sounds unreal, deceiving rather,
photoshopping your photo is one thing, when two people actually meetup, there is no way of hiding how you really look like, how tall you are etc etc
(makeup is a magic trick though, gotta admit that ha – but not permanent)

but personality? the actual personality?
there is so much shiz you can hide, consciously or subconsciously
without anyone knowing for a dang long time
that’s why some of my guy friends would say things like, “it takes at least three years to know someone properly”

but they are quite right
it’s because people photoshop their personality (personalityshop?)
it’s kinda sad isn’t it
a dating profile is kinda like an item on a menu
you picked it because it sounds like it would be totally yum
and you have that expectation how it would be
and when it actually arrives
“this is so not what I ordered”
reality trumps expectations like a mofo

why though? why the personalityshop? why fake it?
I guess it’s a way to feel guarded? to not feel vulnerable?
because of being jaded and/or burned?
or just to play that game
that dang game (EYEROLL)

so catlady it is 😹


No not that Kesha song, though I have to admit that song is catchy as

I got massively overwhelmed a few days ago –
and I hate being caught in that state in public – just seemed so vulnerable and the fact that people often assume that it is just the degree, well fck not, it’s an iceberg situation – I wish it was just that, then it is just normal basal stress, but the actual fact of the matter is that I have so much at stake here, with so many uncertainties 😶

and might I add, so little time 😱


Finally watched La La Land, because I was really curious as to what the hype was all about.
Definitely watch it at least once
Will I watch it again?
Maybe not

I am at a point in life where I enjoy action/thriller more, none of that mopey mushy stuff please 😂
Oddly enough, it was reminiscent of Her, not the storyline but the whole feel of it. I am not sure how I would explain it. The colour palette for both these movies were also notably bomb 
The only song that I really liked was the theme from Mia and Sebastian. And yay, gonna try learn it. The score is the type that starts off like hey am so easy then wham bam it becomes cray and the notes literally do not stay on them five lines (and you would see me writing the letters next to each note because I is fail🐳)


“I’m fine” would probably be one white lie I’ve told one too many people and one too many times.
When he passed, I genuinely thought I was fine
All I was thinking that I need to put up a strong front
for the family
for me
to not show that I’m weak
but I broke
everyday I walk by the hospitals
seeing all the people in their wheelchairs
reminded me of the time back when
most days I’m okay
but some days
I’m fine
a tragedy struck in Melbourne last Friday
and five people lost their lives, two of them children, by some selfish bastard
this got to me,

I know how it feels to lose someone suddenly, but exactly how deep this cuts, I can only imagine
the thought of what their families are going through is just heartbreaking
my sincerest thoughts and prayers are for them

may their souls rest in peace ❤


“hey where are you?”
“what have you been up to?”
“what exactly are you doing?”
“bila nak balik?”

frequently asked questions I get from friends/family back home
to be honest, I can only answer 3 out of 4 
still not seeing light at the end of this tunnel yet
it feels weird,
constantly being in a whole another time zone as the others
like you’re lagging behind with the timeline of life, and at times
I feel like I need to catchup and I am just caught in limbo in this phase/time zone
and I am not just talking about relationships but other adulty things like buying your first car, investing in your first home, babies etc.
it is a case of FOMO for sure
but am I really  missing out
I have told myself (and others) one time too many, 
that “the right things will happen at the right time” 
which I do believe in (just sometimes I forget that heh)
I had a bad case of FOMO, but recently I have somewhat grown accustomed to simply being happy and blessed that I have reached where I am despite all the things that have happened
and that things will eventually fall into place

I wouldn’t want to lose myself in the midst of finding other things (if that makes sense)
and I guess having the time to also find myself in the process
you would think one would know themselves best seeing that they’ve only been that one person pretty much all their lives
only caveat that sometimes I feel we lose ourselves a little bit especially when we want to fit in (doing it unconsciously of course)
so try multiplying that by the number of years/people/places we’ve seen/been
that’s a lot to lose
I guess for some people, it is immensely necessary to have that time to develop their sense of individuality and to have that strength (power word lol) to be themselves when everybody around them is trying to fit into a mould
to be a cookie cutter person so to speak
so yes, no more a FOMO.


here’s wishing for the best for the second half of the year.