date

the kurma
okay that was lame
soz bro

I’ve been watching ‘First Dates’ on youtube and it has been quite entertaining, kinda like watching ‘The Bachelor/Bachelorette’
(yo no judging)
purely for entertainment, obviously completely unrealistic
I don’t believe in having feelings for so many different people at the same time, that’s definitely not love
there are soo many dating apps out there, anywhere from the casual hook-ups all the way to the serious of the bunch, eHarmony
I always wonder – how many of the profiles are real/genuine
no shade but we humans always would like to put the best version of ourselves out there, which is of course completely fine
you should always put your best foot forward
akan tetapi, I feel like a lot of people photoshop their profiles to the point where it just sounds unreal, deceiving rather,
photoshopping your photo is one thing, when two people actually meetup, there is no way of hiding how you really look like, how tall you are etc etc
(makeup is a magic trick though, gotta admit that ha – but not permanent)

but personality? the actual personality?
there is so much shiz you can hide, consciously or subconsciously
without anyone knowing for a dang long time
that’s why some of my guy friends would say things like, “it takes at least three years to know someone properly”
ha.

but they are quite right
it’s because people photoshop their personality (personalityshop?)
#peopledontshowtheircrazyjustyet
it’s kinda sad isn’t it
a dating profile is kinda like an item on a menu
you picked it because it sounds like it would be totally yum
and you have that expectation how it would be
and when it actually arrives
“this is so not what I ordered”
reality trumps expectations like a mofo

why though? why the personalityshop? why fake it?
I guess it’s a way to feel guarded? to not feel vulnerable?
because of being jaded and/or burned?
or just to play that game
that dang game (EYEROLL)


so catlady it is 😹

tiktok

No not that Kesha song, though I have to admit that song is catchy as

I got massively overwhelmed a few days ago –
and I hate being caught in that state in public – just seemed so vulnerable and the fact that people often assume that it is just the degree, well fck not, it’s an iceberg situation – I wish it was just that, then it is just normal basal stress, but the actual fact of the matter is that I have so much at stake here, with so many uncertainties 😶

and might I add, so little time 😱

lalaland

Finally watched La La Land, because I was really curious as to what the hype was all about.
Thoughts?
Definitely watch it at least once
Will I watch it again?
Maybe not

Porque?
I am at a point in life where I enjoy action/thriller more, none of that mopey mushy stuff please 😂
Oddly enough, it was reminiscent of Her, not the storyline but the whole feel of it. I am not sure how I would explain it. The colour palette for both these movies were also notably bomb 
The only song that I really liked was the theme from Mia and Sebastian. And yay, gonna try learn it. The score is the type that starts off like hey am so easy then wham bam it becomes cray and the notes literally do not stay on them five lines (and you would see me writing the letters next to each note because I is fail🐳)

fine

“I’m fine” would probably be one white lie I’ve told one too many people and one too many times.
*
When he passed, I genuinely thought I was fine
All I was thinking that I need to put up a strong front
for the family
for me
to not show that I’m weak
but I broke
*
everyday I walk by the hospitals
seeing all the people in their wheelchairs
reminded me of the time back when
most days I’m okay
but some days
I’m fine
*
a tragedy struck in Melbourne last Friday
and five people lost their lives, two of them children, by some selfish bastard
this got to me,

I know how it feels to lose someone suddenly, but exactly how deep this cuts, I can only imagine
the thought of what their families are going through is just heartbreaking
my sincerest thoughts and prayers are for them

may their souls rest in peace ❤

fomo

“hey where are you?”
“what have you been up to?”
“what exactly are you doing?”
“bila nak balik?”

frequently asked questions I get from friends/family back home
to be honest, I can only answer 3 out of 4 
still not seeing light at the end of this tunnel yet
it feels weird,
constantly being in a whole another time zone as the others
like you’re lagging behind with the timeline of life, and at times
I feel like I need to catchup and I am just caught in limbo in this phase/time zone
and I am not just talking about relationships but other adulty things like buying your first car, investing in your first home, babies etc.
it is a case of FOMO for sure
but am I really  missing out
I have told myself (and others) one time too many, 
that “the right things will happen at the right time” 
which I do believe in (just sometimes I forget that heh)
I had a bad case of FOMO, but recently I have somewhat grown accustomed to simply being happy and blessed that I have reached where I am despite all the things that have happened
and that things will eventually fall into place

I wouldn’t want to lose myself in the midst of finding other things (if that makes sense)
and I guess having the time to also find myself in the process
you would think one would know themselves best seeing that they’ve only been that one person pretty much all their lives
only caveat that sometimes I feel we lose ourselves a little bit especially when we want to fit in (doing it unconsciously of course)
so try multiplying that by the number of years/people/places we’ve seen/been
that’s a lot to lose
I guess for some people, it is immensely necessary to have that time to develop their sense of individuality and to have that strength (power word lol) to be themselves when everybody around them is trying to fit into a mould
to be a cookie cutter person so to speak
so yes, no more a FOMO.

anyways.

here’s wishing for the best for the second half of the year.

dear diary,

I rode my bike to uni.

no, no I meant to say,
I FRIGGIN’ RODE MY BIKE TO UNI
what whaaaat?
for most of you, this is not a feat
but to me it’s like one of my fears
I never, yes I repeat NEVER took off my training wheels
My late dad would insist to take off the training wheels off my mickey mouse bike
but I’m like no. 
Fast forward a few years later, at 15ish
I learned to ride a bike from my uncle – 1st day 11 bruises in total
I pretty much langgar all the things you could langgar
Then fast forward till college years, went on ONE cycling date with the best friend
and that was my “cycling experience”

So suffice to say, that this is a win
now I just need to gain more confidence in turning
balance a bit more (read: a hell lot more)
and I should be fine.
kot.

this sunday feels like:

***side note: started to watch Trevor Noahcan I just say,HE FUNNEHhope he comes down to melb again
“this mofo got flow fo sho'”

seeing red

Last week I carpe diem-ed
and bought myself a bike
a red bike
of which I had to ride all the way from Vic Market back to the house (which in honesty, isn’t really far ha)
I haven’t rode a bike since like what, five-ever?
and it was quite daunting riding in the streets (lol that sounded badass) with cars
but man, was it liberating!
so now, here’s to more bike rides and more adventures with my ‘flaming chilli api’
need to paint some chillies on the bike 🙂

***

WARNING: this is a vent-out

you would think there are normal and/or decent people around in this world
but suffice to say, there isn’t many
and just when you think you’ve met someone who is somewhat normal
life just effs with you and just do the whole wham-bam-thankyoumam
“I’m like effin’ not”
sometimes I really do feel life’s just messin’ with me for the fun of it
I mean, come on, we’re a bit too old for this shiz lah

not getting conned again.
fuh.

***
this weekend feels like: