I’m now living in the dark ages, is this even the correct term?
heck I don’t know
I have had no internet since last Friday at home (so Gen-Y I know right)
and would probably not have till I come back from my big trip this Dec (law and order’s dn dn)
So, good thing that the lab is open 24/7 and have so far kept me sane (again so Gen-Y)
But I have this presentation to do and having internet is really, really useful (as one would imagine)
jeez banyaknya parentheses
(deal with it)


so where am I at 830 pm on a Friday night?
at the labs feeding internet through my iv drip ha.
while staining my cells and running a gel
and downloading papers to read at home
and tryna make sense of my presentation 
how does one stuff 4 years of work in a 5 minute talk is beyond me at the moment
but am waiting for that ‘click’
this is why I say I am practically in a relationship already
just with something that is an inanimate entity which doesn’t love me back and more often than not, hurts me by being ohsofcking difficult
one way street loving weh.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks(months/years/who’s counting) tbh
up and down
more downs than ups sadly 
I’ve cursed more than I usually do, which is pretty much zilch
ever since I hit the 3 year mark..
let’s just say if I had a swear jar, I’ll be making it rain.
but I’ve been blessed with a seriously great support system 
so they keep me going and are there to pick me up every. single. time.
the love I have for them is (cheesybit) indescribable
so here’s to a crazy 8 months (or calm who knows at this point)

going off on a tangent
I just realised a couple of weeks ago (well, realised again)
that I have never fallen in love.
mom always told me that it’s better to love and lost than to never have loved
but then
it got me thinking
what if the pure emptiness from losing something as significant as falling in love is worse than ever knowing how it feels being in love?
that is of course, there is a void that is being filled if and when falling in love
I don’t believe in having someone to make oneself feel whole
I believe in making oneself whole first before letting yourself fall in love
and when you find that other person, it just kinda fits together
like a puzzle piece rather than a ‘fillintheblanks’ kinda situation
lol talk about fridaynight pillow talk (for one)(at the lab)

okay getting home by 10.30pm



an obvious sign that my mojo is off
is when I burnt my first batch of cookies (more like charred really) today
usually I don’t even need to set a timer
because I can just feel that they’re ready
well not today

shit got real-er
T – less than one year and I am not okay
gotta get all them shiz back in a nice pile that I can work with
okay tomorrow’s another day

^ranting before I sleep 
^^to let off steam obviously 


“hey where are you?”
“what have you been up to?”
“what exactly are you doing?”
“bila nak balik?”

frequently asked questions I get from friends/family back home
to be honest, I can only answer 3 out of 4 
still not seeing light at the end of this tunnel yet
it feels weird,
constantly being in a whole another time zone as the others
like you’re lagging behind with the timeline of life, and at times
I feel like I need to catchup and I am just caught in limbo in this phase/time zone
and I am not just talking about relationships but other adulty things like buying your first car, investing in your first home, babies etc.
it is a case of FOMO for sure
but am I really  missing out
I have told myself (and others) one time too many, 
that “the right things will happen at the right time” 
which I do believe in (just sometimes I forget that heh)
I had a bad case of FOMO, but recently I have somewhat grown accustomed to simply being happy and blessed that I have reached where I am despite all the things that have happened
and that things will eventually fall into place

I wouldn’t want to lose myself in the midst of finding other things (if that makes sense)
and I guess having the time to also find myself in the process
you would think one would know themselves best seeing that they’ve only been that one person pretty much all their lives
only caveat that sometimes I feel we lose ourselves a little bit especially when we want to fit in (doing it unconsciously of course)
so try multiplying that by the number of years/people/places we’ve seen/been
that’s a lot to lose
I guess for some people, it is immensely necessary to have that time to develop their sense of individuality and to have that strength (power word lol) to be themselves when everybody around them is trying to fit into a mould
to be a cookie cutter person so to speak
so yes, no more a FOMO.


here’s wishing for the best for the second half of the year.

march into april

more like falling helplessly into april 
without some kind of brake whatsoever (or shall I say break *ba dnk tss*)
It’s been pretty full on these past few days
I am just tired all day errday
I come back home and totally, totally check out my brain and do braindeady stuff like watch series and buzzfeed 
what I need to do is continue doing the work I didn’t get to do at work at just try and finish it at home.
almost emailed this person on linkedin because I wanted to know how he got to where he is. reason being, I think what he does is pretty much exactly what I want to do in the future
he’s like the “quentin tarantino” of the science world
minus the blood and gore (and guns) of course

long story short, I bailed
takpa, next time
“so going anywhere this easter?”
what I say: “nah bruh, no time”
what I *want*: “yea boi, gonna go up to byron bay for a coupla days”

so is life.
(ish, such a ranty post tsk)
The attempt to counter my fears/worries is still an ongoing project of mine
putting myself out there in terms of ideas and/or talent is, I would say, a work in progress
KIV so to speak
I did however donated blood last weekend!
big feat for me because:
1. I’m scared of blood
2. I’m scared of needles
which is pretty much what it is really
Blood coming from people I’m still ok with but do get a bit icky
If the blood was however coming from me…oh lord
and I have been scared of needles for a very long time
and this needle is a huge ass madapaka, like a yakult straw (I kid you not)
the fact that the girl asked, “have you donated before”
“uh no”
“I’ll have you just look the other way please” (as I draw in this huge motherneedle into your arm without you freaking out)
I thought it would take like 30 mins but it just took a mere 10 mins
things I don’t get told often: “you have great veins!” “uh thanks?”
gonna go in again next month woot
too poor to give moolahs, so I give you my blood (insert teary-eyed laughing emoji here)
also, autumn is finally here!
it is FINALLY cooling down how it should be
though today is like below 20 so I hope she didn’t just go “screw autumn, let’s do winter”
and my current obsession is snapchat
holymudda, now I get the hype
this makcik is too old to keep up ha.
but it is super addictive 
(regressing into teenhood)
(read: I don’t want to grow up)
screw you, responsibilities!

haha, as if.
gotta go and take on the responsibility of gymmin away some fats.


was not what I thought it would be
did pilates with the fitball this time
and here I was thinking
“fckyea, bouncy ball ftw”
man, was I wrong
that darn ball keeps slipping everywhere (and anywhere wey)
I am so going to pay for this tomorrow (or the day after) (and probs the day after)

need to get back on track
10 months till am done
like done done

lez do diz shiz.

just a wee bit obsessed with gnash.such good chilled vibes*hearty-eyes emoji*

maggi ayam

brighton beach | december 2015

I was missing my dad this week
and as I was making my *ehem* dinner tonight which was maggi ayam
I realise that I would kinda make it like how he did it before
he would always “upgrade” the maggi until it even looked better than the picture
added fishcake, some greens, onions/shallots and of course, the default egg
wham bam dinner’s ready mam (ok that was lame)
but so yum
MSG in the maggi must stand for Mmmmm Saahhh Gewwd (okay that was even more lame)
I am killing it tonight lah.

Whoa, mid-Jan already
yo Homie, mind pressing the ‘slow’ button for a wee bit there? (like I said, “killing it”)
I started to go to pilates recently
started meaning I’ve only been to two classes in total
and surprisingly I quite like it
it’s the kind of exercise where during the class itself, it feels so calming, you’re relaxed, stretching a bit over there and some over here
and you’re like alright, I can do diz
all is well in kellyville
and then you come back from the class all stretched out and super chill
till the next day, the pain hits you like a mudapaka (!)
all of a sudden, you are somewhat paralysed, mainly in the core area
and you feel like you have a “fake six pack” for a good 2 days
(I do like that feeling oddly)
so am starting to mix it up a bit with all them other classes
the second class though went something like this

instructor: *in a super zen voice* now bend your knees and make sure that your tailbone is sticking straight down
k: “say whaat”
*instructor comes over and fixes me*
k: oh.
instructor: now do this position
k: how the hellll am I gonna do that now –
instructor: now do this
k: alright alright getting the hang of diz (please don’t fart, please don’t fart)

ok I’ll stop there ha.

and cycling of course – 30 km is the record so far (wootz)

this year am gonna be abit selfish and just focus on me, the phd and the bo-d
#opkudan is a go go

also this song – *le chillz*


Have you ever seen a shooting star?
I haven’t
Up till yesterday night
Some friends and I took a super random trip up to mount macedon to watch the geminids meteor shower
and yup, at night, it was dark as
As we drove away from the city, the stars started to become so much clearer
it was just amazing.
We parked, set up with some lights (mind you, this was my first ever night hike!)
and started walking up the trail
we climbed some rocks, found a flat-ish spot and just laid there
It was so quiet, so peaceful and the weather was perfect
I could’ve laid there all night, stargazing
the sweet spot was supposed to be below orion’s belt i.e. the only constellation I can recognise (harhar)
And I saw not only one but six,  SIX shooting stars/meteors
there was one particular one that was huuuuge and we all saw it, it felt kinda special in a way ha.
It didn’t feel real but wow.
Just wow.
Definitely going to do this more often

2016 here I come.