snippets II

“it’ll be a year tomorrow”

“yeah, I know”

*
You know how they say, ‘things can change a lot in a year’
they got that right alright.
It felt like it happened yesterday
I can remember the exact details of every moment of those 24 hours
From the moment I found out;
where I knew something was wrong when there were more than too many missed calls/texts on my phone
the exact moment I found out
and how it felt like being hit by a train
riddled with guilt, regret, anger and sadness
I felt tricked because I didn’t see it coming
I was trembling
I was numb
I couldn’t think
and being the person that I am
I started making a list
I couldn’t trust my brain to be sane in moments like these

next thing I knew
I booked a one-way plane ticket and informed all the people I needed to inform
and just waited for that plane ride home
it was my first time I went with this carrier
but I couldn’t care less about the nerves
I just wanted to be home

I saw her amidst the crowd
and I just broke down
it felt so good to have that familiar hug
it felt like home after being away for so long
Turning into my street, I didn’t know what to expect
Some of my family members were there 
but the only two people I wanted to see were my mum and sister
There she was standing in the doorway and I can tell she’s been holding the fort for too long
It didn’t feel real
It really didn’t
The house felt different
I knew they were trying to be strong
but it was just too raw, too new, unchartered waters

“do you want to go see the grave?”
It took me quite awhile before I was ready
even that sentence still sounds odd
Seeing the grave for the first time was just in a word, heartbreaking
We’ve not always been on the best of terms
that’s family I guess
but he was a part of my life, a huge one for that matter
and it is a loss
and it does feel empty
gone are the days where the future will have this person
there are so many moments that I felt that we are being robbed of
but that’s life yknow
it changes without us expecting it and we, just need to adapt
It has been a long year
but it is getting better
and I am so grateful to have amazing people around me who have helped me up over and over again without tire

here’s to better days, moments and life.

*
“don’t grieve. anything you lose comes around in another form”  

—Rumi

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