c’est la vie

it’s weird looking back into the teen years and picturing how immature i reacted to practically all the situations i faced. i would always be so pessimistic and take comments in totally the wrong way. i would feel so insecure about myself and thinking that my friends are my whole life and not just part of it. i would sulk for no apparent reason and just be in my room, cranking up my music player (cue simple plan’s song, ‘perfect’ please) and be that “darn teenager”. oh, nostalgic-ness.

and now, thinking back, what the hell was wrong with me? i surrendered myself to raging hormones and forgot how to use that thing in my thick skull called the brain. i followed my heart more than my head most of the time. so many regrets but hey, that’s how you learn something the hard way and make it stick in the brain for good right? and making sure that you won’t repeat it the same way again. i’d like to think i’ve grown up, trying to be that person that my parents want me to be, but most importantly someone that i want to be. i still haven’t found my “niche” in this whole thingy-ma-jig, which kinda bothers me still. i don’t know yet what i’m made for. what i’m really good at. yet. (paging someone up there, “hurry up please? i’m not getting younger :(“)

so after seeing what my mom would have to face for at least 6 years with my baby sister who without a doubt, is officially a teen now (if you know what i mean, hmm?), i want to “help out”. i know i have to give her room to grow and not act like im her mother and all. but i just don’t want her to repeat the same mistakes i did and having the same regrets i did. being here, sometimes i feel like im missing out on her growing up. and i do honestly feel like there’s always that big possibility that we would drift apart. im worried that she won’t care about what i think anymore. i really don’t want that to happen. i want to be that big sister who would always be there for her, like a best friend. i want her to be able to tell me anything she wants. i realise that talking to her about certain things like not accepting unknown people’s friend requests on fb (i know, silly right?), is sometimes impossible and most of the time it will not end well. i find it really hard for her to see it from my perception of things. but i guess, its those years again and all i can do now is just steer her in the right direction, by putting up signs on that road she’s taking, because she’s big enough to hold her own wheel.

i just don’t want to be the one who says, “i told you so”

sighs.

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